how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
