New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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