ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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