I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
