you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It's never too late to be topless.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
