my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
