but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
