drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
he shaved USA in his pubs
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
