Walk of Shame. In a state park.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
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