is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
