We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
