I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
