can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
We got so high we made milksteak
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
