i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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