You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
