There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
