Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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