Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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