I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
