i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
