your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
