My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
