Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
