foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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