new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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