The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
