i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
