I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
