It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
