Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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