Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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