Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
