he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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