he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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