I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
