When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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