It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
