Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
