I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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