so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
