Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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