I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
