You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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