the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
