I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
