I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
