Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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