Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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