Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
