I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
don't judge my taste in strippers
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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