There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
